What happened to when things  used to be so much simpler. I don't understand where things  went from being care free to so stressful. School. yes I understand. Family. Sometimes. But what about the rest of it? Why is everything so difficult when it really dosen't have to be. I feel like people have to make things so much more difficult then is necessary. Isnt the point to have fun? live life? cause thats what I wanna do... I dont wanna have to care so much. You shouldnt have to try so hard or care so much? Is it really gonna matter later in life about the boy who wouldnt go out with you or the girl who couldnt be your friend because you did one thing or the other. Its about having fun and being loyal to the people who are close to you.. Its about family and the friends who stick my yourside even when you are at your lowest. I dont want to look back on my life and regret having worried so much about the small stuff. I wanna live big and do everything there is to do in life.. care free! Its so frustrating how people go around worrying so much or holding back because one thing or another has happened to them. Hold on to those who are close and those moments that have mean and just live freely the rest of the time. Now the hard part... Its so easy to say all this but when you try to actually live by it... well thats not so easy. I find myself getting so frustrated with people lately cause I just dont want to deal with the bullshit anymore. Whats the point?!?! I know I know I have my own faults too... im just as guilty. BUT I DONT WANT TO BE. Does it mattter if some boy wants to be with you right now or not?!? because you are eventually going to find the right one so why waste your time on the ones who don't want you. And if you think they are the one then be bold about it. Make a move instead of just waiting. dont just talk about it, but actually do something about it. isnt that logical??!?!  Or if someone pisses you off, tell them. Just dont let it fester until you cant even be the friends that you were. I am lucky. I have a best friend who I know cares about me more than anything but even she dosent get me sometimes. I feel like people are jsut so wrapped up in their own life or there own problems  instead of just living...,. I dont know. maybe I am the only one that feels this way.

    *Live*Laugh*Love*

At least thats what I keep telling myself. I've always been the kind to go one way or the  other. I really dont do the whole between which is where i find myself stuck right now and I really dont know what to do about it. I sorta kinda started sleeping with my best guy friend and then when it came down to him choosing for a friendship or a relationship he chose the friendship.. Which normally I would honestly prob. just shut him out of my life just because thats the way I am. I know that dosen't seem right but the truth is i've liked him a long time before this happened. The other problem is that I cant shut him out because we have class together 5 times a week which seriously complicates things. So then I decide ok maybe I can be friends with benefits but I honestly just dont even know. I feel like everything we do is opposite. Nothing ever happens like it should at the right time. It's always back and forth. Maybe thats a sign... I dont know.  I want a relationship because i have obviously liked him but acccording to him he dosent want to lose our friendship which i cant decide whether or not i believe or not.. who the hell knows. I just cant find solution b. I know there's always supposed to be another way but i just cant seem to find it. I wish he would just give me a chance. He dosent even realize what I would do for him. We've been best friends for 6 months and i dont know what i would have done without him. I dont wanna lose him but i cant live with not being able to have him either.. BLAH

Lately i've just been feeling so confused about what I want. I haven't had a journal in forever but I dont want to rely on my friends to solve my problems. I've always been the one to want and solve my own problems, so not being able to is very frustrating to me. I dont like boring people down with my problems.. After all they do have their own. So maybe I can get my thoughts out in this journal and figure out what I am doing with myself, because I don't know where to go from here. I dont even know where to start - it seems like everything all around my is falling apart. Except for of course my friends... I have the best friends ever and they are always there for me. I probally dont give them enough credit but I would truly be lost without them. My family - hmm well my mom is my best friend but lately things just havent been the same. I have no desire to even go home which is something I used to do all the time. People used to ask me why I went home so much and now all I want to do is be @ Tech with everyone. Home just isnt the same place for me it used to be. I know they say this happens when you go away but if you knew me and understood my relationship with my mom then you would see why I think theres something wrong with that. I really am not the biggest fan of my stepdad but i could never tell my mom that because I know how much she loves him and I want her to be happy. I always want everyone to be happy. Thats just me. If i cant be happy everyone else has to be. Dont get me wrong, I am happy alot of them time... but I always have my reserves. I never think I am good enough and that I always need to do more.. and maybe I really do, maybe I dont.. but I am always bashing myself inside. Nothing is ever good enough for me. I am always making comparisons. hmm what next: ok lets see boys. total disaster. I kinda like this guy who talks to me but I think he just wants to be friends and I give up pretty easily. I've been pretty destroyed in the past by 2 people in particular and so I am very reserved when it comes to boys. I know i'm going to get hurt agian and I dont know if I am ready for it agian. Then theres another guy whos my best friend who I used to like but now I dont and since I told him I like this other guy hes been exteremly jelous about the whole thing.
 ok gotta go. people are coming. more later